The Melody of an Ambulance

This journal isn’t worth it anymore

Nobody reads it

And I can’t say how I really feel for fear that someone will read this

Back to the drawing board I supposeeeee

i’d do it
but i can’t

because my brothers
will look at their children
and tell them that they would’ve loved their aunt

because nate needs me here
and he might not say it
but somewhere inside
he does

because heather would fall apart

because my parents
would never ever forgive themselves
for being so blind

i’m so scared right now

i regret Saturday night
very much so
because i made a fool of myself
because i felt like complete shit the day after
because i let nate down
because i let myself down

way to go, randi
didn’t think you could accomplish something like that
ever

randi, you stupid, foolish, little girl

My Life is here
For now, at least
Not in State College
Not in Kutztown
It’s not necessary for me to know what goes on there
I don’t need to be a part of your life there
I’m fine with all of you going “college-happy”
Just, please, leave me out of it
I know I’m suppose to play your bestfriend
And be all happy for you
And cheer you on
But I can’t do that at the moment
Please, understand
I’m sorry
But I have to come first, for right now

So I just got back from talking to my biological parents
Telling them about how I’m angry with them
No, wait,
fucking furious
I knew I shouldn’t have expected anything
The routine words came out of their mouths

Jody: “hey, i regret it every single day. i’m a dick. [insert crying here]“
Chris: “We were stupid. And you’re allowed to be mad, don’t feel bad about it. But you just have to learn to deal with that anger. It’ll never go away”

I am defeated
I am scared
I don’t know if I can do this

I’ve gotta do what’s best for me, first and foremost, from now on
Even if it means doing something I don’t want to do

I’m so close to saying “I quit”
I’m starting to think that I’ll never reach the end;
That I’ll never save the princess

please help me
someone?

I am so sick of this

Let’s clear my life up
And hand out the blame where it’s due
Prepare for the longest post ever

I was adopted. I came with the whole adoption package from birth: abandonment issues, trust issues; a whole fucking assortment of shit. I guess the “asshole award” goes to my biological parents starting at the very beginning. Congrats, guys!I never had any real friends until 7th grade and that was when I met Kirstin, Sarah, Dana, Erin, and Lauren. We were all bestfriends. Especially Kirstin and I. In 8th grade I met a really nice boy named Ryan, who decided to split 4 or 5 months later. Nearing 9th grade, Kirstin betrayed our trust by telling people that I slept with an older gentleman.

And let’s not forget that, no! Joey, a 21-year-old man, got me drunk and had sex with me after I had just turned 14. I guess the “fucktwat award” goes to Joey. Way to go, brah!

Anyway, I felt pretty alone until the middle of 9th grade, where Dana and I became really close, I met a whole slew of friends who were in 11th grade and a little girl named erinL in 9th grade, I met a boy named Dustin Doebler who lived in Muncy, and a wonderful person named Michael Mcdermott entered my life. The year was okay, I guess. Despite hurting several people along the way. Despite the whole starting to an develop eating disorder. Despite starting my drinking “problem”. Despite the two bullshit visits to a psychiatric hospital.

Problems began to arrise, between Michael and I. I befriended his ex-girlfriend and her little sister. That summer Michael left me on my birthday. I went through a severe depression, and having decided to take my own life, I downed half a bottle of fast-acting Tylenol with half a jug of my mother’s tea. I spent a week crawling around my house, calling Dustin when I could. I was basically dying really, really slowly. At the end of the week, I finally told my mother what I had done. She rushed me to the hospital. From Lewistown Hospital, they transferred me to Harrisburg. I spent about a week there, laying in bed with an IV sticking out of my arm. A truck load of my family visited me. There was a lot of crying. Right before I was about to be transferred again, I called my bestfriend at the time, Nate Brune and told his mom to tell him that I had called. From there I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital, again. I spent two weeks there, thinking a lot.

When I came back, I made it home just in time for the second week of Marching Band Camp. I went to visit my friends and to show them that I was still alive. I received hugs. Nate was cold. He later explained why. He and I soon became a “couple”.

School soon picked up and it was a fresh, new year. However, I soon began to hate everything about the school I attended. My parents changed my schooling to online school. I started to hang out with Michael’s ex-girlfriend and her little sister more and more. Their names: Jodi and Jenelle. We soon became as close as sisters. I grew apart from Dana, Sarah, Lauren, and Erin, but that was okay with me for the most part. People change, they grow up, that’s all. All the while, my eating disorder was getting worse and worse, I began drinking more and more, things with Nate became rough, and I still had thoughts of Michael dancing through my head.

That November, Nate made a lot of mistakes, and he was sent away to several hospitals for a month. I thought I would never see him again. I blamed him for leaving me, for deserting me. I was hurt very much. I didn’t know if I would ever see him again. He returned in mid-December, and I was as happy as an ox. Nate has since turned his life around, completely, and he guides me in the right direction most of the time, now.

I told my parents I was unhappy with the online school I was attending, so we switched to TBLCS, which is the smartest decision I have ever made.

I made one more trip to a psychiatric hospital three hours from home. I had taken ibuprofen, this time. I spent a week there. Yet another bullshit trip.

Since that trip, things have been uneasy. Many relationships have deteriorated. My little erinL, one of my bestfriends, now lives in North Carolina. Jenelle probably wants me dead, I have hurt her immensely. I don’t talk to Jodi or Dustin much anymore. Dana and I still see each other sometimes. I’d say we are pretty good friends. Some of my friends from 11th grade are still around [Elisabet and Heather]. They’re in college now, and I couldn’t love them anymore than I already do. Nate and I are better than ever. Michael is non-existant! And I have a very supportive therapist.

However, my eating disorder is extremely hard to control these days, I’m still fixing my drinking “problem”, and I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been. But I do my best to keep it together, day to day. Of course, suicide crosses my mind. It’d be the easiest way out. But I can’t leave these people, my family and my friends, all by themselves. They wouldn’t know what to do!

So I’ll stick around and hope for the best.

I know I’m still young
I’m still stupid
I still have a lot to learn
But I’m just so tired of the up and down,
back and forth,
searching,
yearning,
aching,
WAITING
i just want to settle down
in a much prettier town
up north where it doesn’t get so hot
with my favorite people
and write until my hands fall off
or, at least, until they’re thoroughly sore
and make love in the evenings
and sit out on the porch
and watch the stars come out
then sleep next to you
hold you
all night
then wake up in the morning
and enjoy a brand new day

i am in love
and i am tired
marry me, nate brune

I saw JD today
I’m still going to call her JD
Even if she hates me or not
Because I love her
And we were bestfriends
And JD was her name when we were bestfriends
God, it feels like she died or something
But I know she didn’t
Anyway
I sent Jodi an apology
A pretty huge one
To pass on to JD as well
I hope she at least accepts my apology
She doesn’t have to forgive me
I’d just like it if she would acknowledge it or something
I guess I’m just realizing a lot of things lately
It’s coming on so fast
I don’t feel good
I’m gonna go sleep