The Melody of an Ambulance

i’m so sick of all of it
the struggles of just making it through one day
caring for some people so much
who will never feel the same about you
[no. this is not about michael.
i'm so fucking sick of everything being about
MICHAEL]
doing your best
but failing, regardless of how well you think you did
and ultimately amounting to nothing
trying your hardest to forget about the most painful things
but really just making it all more vivid
i wish i wasn’t sober
i wish i was a better writer
i wish i was more talented
like sara

i’m going to write some stuff out
and hope it makes a pretty story
or something

TALE 1: THE UNVEILING

“Hey mom what was it like when you had me?” asked young Mable.

“Well, you see, honey, I didn’t exactly ‘have’ you. Another woman had you and we adopted you. And adopted means that we signed papers and a bunch of other stuff so we could take care of you,” replied her mother.

“Oh,” Mable fell silent. This silence seemed to last for a very long time. Longer than she could remember. It hovered throughout her childhood. It lurked behind every corner waiting to snatch her voice up when she was least expecting it, but slowly, over the passing of time, Mable grew very curious. She could hold her tongue no longer.

“Mom, really, who gave birth to me? Tell me about them. What’s their names, where do they live, what do they look like? Who are they?”

“Well, they’re these really nice people, the Chatmans. The mother has dark brown hair. The father has these big blue eyes, just like you. We were very good friends. Right now they live somewhere else in Pennsylvania.”

“Oh,” she began picking at her fingers. The silence started consuming her; swallowing her. The conversation was uncomfortable, the room was uncomfortable, the bed Mable sat on was uncomfortable. She felt this enormous pressure all about her. She exited the room and decided to watch some television. The normal thing for a nine-year-old to do — not talking about her biological parents, not thinking about the possibilities.

TALE 2: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

After a very long school year, summer finally came. It brought with it hope and beauty. It brought with it truth. 

Mable’s birthday rolled around. The annual campout was put together. After night fell, her cousins gathered around the fire and told tales of horror. Smores were being built. Children were being eaten alive by mosquitos. When Mable’s mother told everyone it was time to call it a night, all the children crawled into their sleeping bags like a dozen little caterpillars. They all lied there awake, unable to sleep.

“Hey Mable?” asked her cousin Kylie.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve got something really important to tell you, but I’m not sure whether I should tell you or not,”

“Why? What is it?”

“Well my parents told me not to, but it just doesn’t feel right keeping it from you anymore,”

“Just tell me!”

“Okay, do you want to know who your biological parents are?”

“Of course!”

“Okay…it’s Tori and Quentin.”

“My aunt and uncle??”

“Yeah. It’s crazy, right?”

“So that means my cousins are my brothers and sisters?”

“Exactly”

They laughed for hours over the very idea of the adoption. All the while the possibilities were racing through Mable’s head. The what ifs circled her mind. The silence eventually fell upon her again, and she slept the deepest sleep.

that’s it,for now, i guess.
i’m sleepy
and frustrated
night night