The Melody of an Ambulance

woah
so i’m renewing old friendships
i’m growing my hair out
i’m living

bad things will happen
it’s a fact
and no one can stop that
but what’s left after that,
but to live?
huh?

qing’s going away party is this coming friday
and i’m going to it
and i’ll see all my pals there
and things will be good
real good

i regret to inform you all that i found what i was looking for
and i’m currently in the process of doing
what i swore i would never do again

i suppose i’ll sleep pretty good tonight

yeah
i went to the allnighter at the drive-in
i get there
and i realize that everyone there
is older than me,
is graduating,
is leaving me
i felt like such an outsider
so small and insignificant;
so unnecessary
i wanted to run and hide
so i did
i ran to heather’s car and hid
nate followed me
he held me while i cried
and crumbled
and collapsed
eventually the mood lightened
heather got in the car with us
the feeling never left me
but it got to the point where i knew i had to tolerate it
i don’t know if i can keep seeing them; my friends
it’s just going to make it harder to say goodbye
because they will leave me
and one day i will be forgotten
and replaced
i love them all dearly
but it’s too much
i’m too small
:/

but anyway
after sitting through some of the worst movies i’ve ever seen
heather drove nate and i home
and i spent the most magical morning with him
it was beautiful
and i’m never want to give up on him

i love you, nate brune

<3

Update:
I kicked ass at my presentation
I was, by far, the best one there
That’s fairly cocky of me
But I’m allowed some pride
And yesterday was our prom
Our being
Nate and I’s
Just us
I decked out my backyard
Christmas lights and all
It was pretty magical
Until bella came out
And I asked her to get me a piece of pizza
And her mother came out and ripped my fucking head off :/
I cried cried cried
No one cared
Except for Nate and Heather
I guess it’s mostly that they didn’t notice
But I doubt that even if they did notice
That they’d care
Whatever
Like I’ve said
After I graduate [in 2 years]
There’s no looking back

goodness, i’ve missed listening to Blink 182
a lot
i remember sitting with my cousin
all night
just singing to Blink 182
and playing video games
i miss that

Well I guess this is growing up

i have my presentation
in less than 12 hours D:
i’m a sad, scared little girl
but at the same time
i haven’t felt this alive in a while
the rush of getting all this done
the inability to sleep
it’s fantastic
and i must say,
my presentation, planned out,
is pretty kick ass
then tomarrow night
i think i’m going to the prescreening of Indiana Jones
at midnight
with my aunt and chris
that should be interesting
to be totally honest
things are starting to feel okay
i’m just scared it’ll be like someone
pulling the rug out from under me
when june 29th comes

just stay

just stay

:[[

you will leave
and all that will remain
is a vague memory
of what once was
beautiful images
of whole days spent lying on beds,
of hours spent in movie theaters,
of all the times spent walking each other home
i love you so much
but is it enough?
will it ever be enough?
will this “love” keep you here, always?
doubt fills my head
because i believe that you’ve lost what you once loved about me,
that you’re just sticking around because
1) you have nobody else
2) it’s the right thing to do
3) you don’t want to hurt me

remember when i was sweet and unexplainable?
nothing like this person

how close am i to losing you?

just stay

just stay

TALE 3: FAMILIAR FACES

Mable saw her cousins, or brothers and sisters. She watched them. She couldn’t help but stare at them. She searched their face for any trace of what could be a trait they shared; the shape of a nose or almond shaped eyes.

She didn’t tell anyone what she knew. She didn’t see the point in making a big fuss about something that would not change. Although, every time she saw her cousins, she wanted to walk up to them and tell them that she knew. She wanted them to know that it was okay to treat her like a sister now, that everything was going to really be okay.

MORE LATER. I’M GONNA GO NAP

i can change their words
to make them my own
or so i thought
just pick up the phone

 and i can run
to be all alone
or so i thought
just pick up the phone

i can build a big house
and offer a home
or so i thought
just pick up the phone

i’m so sick of all of it
the struggles of just making it through one day
caring for some people so much
who will never feel the same about you
[no. this is not about michael.
i'm so fucking sick of everything being about
MICHAEL]
doing your best
but failing, regardless of how well you think you did
and ultimately amounting to nothing
trying your hardest to forget about the most painful things
but really just making it all more vivid
i wish i wasn’t sober
i wish i was a better writer
i wish i was more talented
like sara

i’m going to write some stuff out
and hope it makes a pretty story
or something

TALE 1: THE UNVEILING

“Hey mom what was it like when you had me?” asked young Mable.

“Well, you see, honey, I didn’t exactly ‘have’ you. Another woman had you and we adopted you. And adopted means that we signed papers and a bunch of other stuff so we could take care of you,” replied her mother.

“Oh,” Mable fell silent. This silence seemed to last for a very long time. Longer than she could remember. It hovered throughout her childhood. It lurked behind every corner waiting to snatch her voice up when she was least expecting it, but slowly, over the passing of time, Mable grew very curious. She could hold her tongue no longer.

“Mom, really, who gave birth to me? Tell me about them. What’s their names, where do they live, what do they look like? Who are they?”

“Well, they’re these really nice people, the Chatmans. The mother has dark brown hair. The father has these big blue eyes, just like you. We were very good friends. Right now they live somewhere else in Pennsylvania.”

“Oh,” she began picking at her fingers. The silence started consuming her; swallowing her. The conversation was uncomfortable, the room was uncomfortable, the bed Mable sat on was uncomfortable. She felt this enormous pressure all about her. She exited the room and decided to watch some television. The normal thing for a nine-year-old to do — not talking about her biological parents, not thinking about the possibilities.

TALE 2: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

After a very long school year, summer finally came. It brought with it hope and beauty. It brought with it truth. 

Mable’s birthday rolled around. The annual campout was put together. After night fell, her cousins gathered around the fire and told tales of horror. Smores were being built. Children were being eaten alive by mosquitos. When Mable’s mother told everyone it was time to call it a night, all the children crawled into their sleeping bags like a dozen little caterpillars. They all lied there awake, unable to sleep.

“Hey Mable?” asked her cousin Kylie.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve got something really important to tell you, but I’m not sure whether I should tell you or not,”

“Why? What is it?”

“Well my parents told me not to, but it just doesn’t feel right keeping it from you anymore,”

“Just tell me!”

“Okay, do you want to know who your biological parents are?”

“Of course!”

“Okay…it’s Tori and Quentin.”

“My aunt and uncle??”

“Yeah. It’s crazy, right?”

“So that means my cousins are my brothers and sisters?”

“Exactly”

They laughed for hours over the very idea of the adoption. All the while the possibilities were racing through Mable’s head. The what ifs circled her mind. The silence eventually fell upon her again, and she slept the deepest sleep.

that’s it,for now, i guess.
i’m sleepy
and frustrated
night night