The Melody of an Ambulance

This is my 100th post
So I figured I would make it something important
Something I need to tell someone

If “you” happen to read this,
I miss you a lot.
 I know you’ll just soak this up into your ego
And you’ll throw it away, after you’re done with it
But I really do miss you
I miss your silly smile
I miss your [old] hair
Even though the way it looks now is just fine with me
I should’ve listened to you
When you asked me if you could shave your head
but anyway
I miss your pretty greenish eyes
I miss walking in the snow with you
I miss taking pictures with you
I miss watching movies with you
I really miss talking to you on the phone
I really miss talking to you, in general
I know, now, that I was wrong a lot
I was wrong most of the time, actually
I know I’ve already called and apologized
But I’m sorry for what I did to you
I’m sorry for the way I made you feel
I’m sorry I never trusted you,
I should have
I’m just sorry I didn’t give you what you deserved
And you, “you”, deserve the very best
I only hope that you find that with whoever you’re with
I want to thank you for every kindness
And I want to tell you that I’m wishing you all the best things in life
Goodluck, “you”

Hailey’s home
safe and sound
gawddd i’ve missed her

my twin is home

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO

I’m sooooo not going to lie
Today was a shitty day
And I feel sick to my stomach
And I wish so badly that I wasn’t sober right now
And I can’t stop this crying

If you walk away, I’ll walk away
First, tell me which road you will take
I don’t want to risk our paths crossing someday
So you walk that way, I’ll walk this way

i haven’t changed
deep down, we both know this
i mean, in some aspects i’ve changed
there’s a clear difference
but where it counts
when it comes down to it
i’m the same old randi
i’m still pulling the same shit
i’m still playing the same games
you deserve much better than this
please, for your sake, go off to college
and find someone much better
something much better
you are such a wonderful person
you deserve wonderful things

i’m so scared for this weekend
sooo scared
it’s kid connection
and if i go to kid connection
like nathan and i have planned
i might just see someone
who i haven’t seen in a very long time
and just by seeing them
there’s a high possibility
i might die
this is what will happen:
my heart will stop beating,
crawl up and out of my throat,
land on the pavement,
and go off running in the opposite direction
of said person
and the likelihood of this person coming into town for KC
is soooooo high
nate,
maybe we should just skip kid connection this year
maybe we should go to the park or something
maybe just chill out at the Gables
please
i know there’s a part of me that wants to be there
to see him
to feel his presence
but i know i won’t get a “hello, how’ve you been?”
or a simple “hi.”
i will recieve nothing
not a thing
and it will hurt
more than anything that’s been hurting me
in the past 3 weeks
and it will be my birthday alllllll over again
neither of us want that

LINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

you learn who your real friends are
really fucking fast
in this town
i’m sick of being left out
put down
pushed around
and just hurt in general
i’m so sick of caring so much for all of these people
who could never feel half of what i feel for them, for me
but i know
for sure
that there are, at least, 3 people in the world
who really know me
inside and out
and would never hurt me intentionally

I DON’T NEED THIS

so i woke up 30 minutes ago
in this terrible, hot sweat
this water taste awful
i went to state college with nate today
bought a dress, and the movie “Into the Wild”
i like the movie
nate likes the dress
i talked to my therapist about michael a bit, today
and he asked if i felt close to anybody, now, like i did michael
i told him that i felt that way about nate
but that it really isn’t the same at all
because i now realize not to hand myself out in full
or, more so, not to leave myself so vulnerably open to such pains as i’ve experianced
with michael it was careless
i was careless
we were careless
and it was beautiful
but what i have with nate is even more spectacular
because i know that if he were to leave
[and i can honestly say, right now, that i don't think he wants to do that]
that i could just brush the dirt off my knees,
stand back up,
and continue walking
and because of this, i feel so much more safe, and at peace with nate
my therapist said that it’s like a gift, what i gave to michael,
and what he gave to me;
to be so open and free to love
and he said that i now know that i need to wait for the right time
to hand out that gift, again
there was a lot more said about michael
haha, really, far too much could be said about Mr. McDermott
but i would really like to stop here
and put those thoughts to rest for tonight
new subject
so everyone knows about my crying spells
where i panic
and think about how everyone’s leaving me next school year
but honestly, right now,
i’m just so tired of worrying about it
i’m exhausted
and i can’t cry anymore
so i’m done
and if they come back, then they come back
this doesn’t have to be another painful experiance
this doesn’t have to be this heartbreaking incident of the century that i’m making it out to be
i’ll make new friends
i can learn to live without

“love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah”

I feel extremely sad
So so sad
I called Heather
to say a few things
but she didn’t pick up
so i left a message
i keep crying
i can’t stop
i feel this giant lump in the my throat
and this terrible pain in my stomach
i’m just sorry
i’m so so sorry to those of you
who i’ve ignored
and pushed aside
and pushed away
i just feel like a really worthless friend
i think i am a really worthless friend
i think
and this is not just from watching “Into the Wild”
this is from penting it all up
this is from running away from it all
i’m just so sorry
i’m so sorry

Love is not the end-all-be-all thing I’ve made it out to be in the past
I know that now
For sure
Love brings happiness
But it does not assure happiness, by any means
At least, forever
You do not need anyone
What you need is to be happy with yourself
You need to love yourself
Before you should even consider loving someone else
I’ve never been happy with myself
That’s why I’m so nervous about my relationships, at the moment
It’s probably why I’ve never kept friends for longer than a year
I push them all away
Well, I shouldn’t say that
Nate’s been around for nearly 2 years
We’ve been through hell and back
But I’m still pushing him away
I can see that very clearly
I’m also pushing everyone else away
I’m slowly drifting to another island
On this lonesome raft
It’s scary
I’m scared
I don’t like being alone
I mean
I’m not alone
I’ve got some people
Not even a handful
But if I keep this up
The way I am
I’m going to be the sad lady
At the end of the street
Who lives by herself
And has her groceries delivered to her
What ever happened to that little girl
Who stood at her grandparents house
And washed her little red wagon all day long?
What ever happened?
“sometimes i get so lonely i forget what day it is, and how to spell my name”

I never have the right things to say
Not once in the past [almost] 8 months
I want to be a writer
But I’m terrible with words
It’s not just a matter of thinking before I speak
The thoughts are wrong altogether
I, clearly, have not changed at all
I am still a bad person
I am still a broken person
Would I hurt you as I have before?
No
Would I consider it, seriously?
Yes
I am not saying any of this to hurt you
I have no reason to hurt you
You have been nothing but good to me
I am saying this to be honest with you, finally
I have considered beating your heart to a bloody pulp
All because you’ve said something I didn’t like
Or because you’ve deserted me for a long period of time
Or because I’ve thought you were going to desert me
Now, would I really beat your heart to a bloody pulp?
Of course not
Maybe I have changed in some aspects
But the point is
I still think of the other boy
More than I should
Because I shouldn’t be thinking of him at all
I still consider calling him every once in a while
I still read his page
I still have these terrible dreams about him
I still pause throughout the day and think back
I still cry like it’s my birthday, all over again
But know this much:
I don’t love him
I love you
I don’t want him
I want you
And 90% of the time, I’m just thinking “fuck that dick”
Because I realize how much happier I am with you
I’m working on it
I’ve been working on it
And slowly, but surely, I will leave it all behind
You just need to give me more time
You mean so much to me, Nathan Lee Brune
But if you find one day, if not now
That I’m not enough, or that I’m too much
Then please, do not hesitate to leave
My intentions have never been to hurt you in any way

I am so sorry for all of this

Today is going to be a good day

I’m going to make today a good day

I’m going to start writing again

Eventually

About something new

ps- brittany bridge makes me feel like i’m worth something
i will see her soon
i just know it
i just wanted to apologize to her, especially,
for breaking and falling to the bottom of everything

my “brother” on the other hand, makes me feel like shit
that’s what family’s for, i suppose