The Melody of an Ambulance

I met this really nice girl named Hailey on  LJ
She’s super nice
And we have the same views
And we like the same movies
And we like the same music
She’s me, but hundreds of miles away

 we have long conversations
and we talk about pretty much everything

i’m glad i found her
it’s a real comfort to know someone’s really going through what i am too
[and no, she not an internet predator]

look, she’s nice too!:

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you’re still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like “We’ll meet again”
And “Fuck the man”
And “Tell my mother not to worry”
And angels with their great
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We’d forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you’re lit up by the city
So

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower
Calling passers-by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Gleam and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like “Lost and found”
And “Don’t look down”
And “Someone save Temptation”
And

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burn babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior
But

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above their running
In circles around the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
“Who the hell can see forever?”
And

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turned from me
And said, “The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last”
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if I make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of God and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissing on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers

please

remember me

I’m trying not to sound like an angsty teenager when I say this

Because I’m not

Because it’s just the truth

 none of you understand it, nor will you ever understand it
this illness is mine, and mine alone
stop concerning yourselves with it
i never should’ve told ANY of you in the first place

i will take care of myself eventually
and if i don’t, i’m sorry

 i’m so tired.

I’m so thankful that I’ve got this tool. This tool that makes me feel so much better. I lose the guilt. For a few minutes, I quit my self-loathing and think that I’ve done something right with my body.

But what’s really happening is it’s hurting me. Everyone tells me that, and I’m sorry, but I don’t need to hear it a million times. Do you really think I don’t understand what I’m doing to my body? Of course I fucking understand. And I’m sorry to worry you all, I really am.

But I don’t want to give up this tool; this precious gift.

I am sorry

 I’ll tell my mother. I will. Soon.

I wish I would try harder.

you say there are spaces open and wide
you say there are days longer than nights
and i could be happy if only i’d try
but i don’t try
i don’t try

I don’t mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
You left me broke down beggin for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who’s deranged
He had your hands and my father’s face
Another western vampire different time same place
I had dreams that brings me sadness
Pain much deep that a river
Sorrow flow through me in tiny waves of shivers
Corny movies make me reminisce
They break me down easy on this generic love shit
First kiss frog and princess

I’ma shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

it’s time

I’m talking to miss Brittany Bridge. She surprised me. Out of nowhere she just IM’s me on AIM. Out of everyone I miss, besides my little erinL, I miss her the most. Brittany was a shoulder to lean on while I was at the Meadows. She was just immensely cool. And I think everyone should meet her someday, she’ll brighten your day. I look up to her. She’s actually getting her life together. She’s really trying to live life. And she’s my hope that I can do that someday 

linelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelineline

Nathan Lee Brune,

I’ve decided: 

I’m in love with you

I know I am

You bring me back when I’m so far gone

You make me feel beautiful. Only you.

You are such a relief

You keep me together

And I think I can trust you not to desert me

 I think

So I guess, we’ll just see.

 :)

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love no glory
No hero in her sky

 I’m thinking of putting my armor back up again

You scare me

Our whole situation scares me

Is it worth getting that close to someone again,

When in the end, you figure you’ll just have your heart torn out?

i mean, i know it’s a little late in the game, nearly 7 months and all

but armor is armor

and it can always be put back on

ps-

i think i loved michael

but love is different

and i could never love him the same way i love you

it’s a fact

no one will ever love you the way i love you

as much as i love you

i mean, it’s incredible massive amounts

you’ll never be able to comprehend it all

I’m thinking about both of them

And only one is tugging on my heartstrings

The other one just pisses me off anymore

I don’t even matter to him

Fuck him >:[

I’m worried about Nate and I

worried worried worried

Fuck

Don’t let me fuck this up

i think i don’t want to be here

i don’t like myself anymore

fresh snow on the suburbs
staying at my parents
it hasn’t been a good year
but things are all right here

sleeping in the spare room
that used to be my bedroom
even though I’m home now
I feel completely homeless

I’m looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights

walking round the basement
where my band used to practice
sometimes I don’t want to make new friends
sometimes I just miss my old friends

but I’m seeing someone new now
she calms my heart down
but I’m too scared to tell her
how crazy I can get sometimes

I’m looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights

I never feel better after I cry
I spent 6 months of my life just wanting to die
I’m learning how to be alone without be lonely
learning how to be lonely without losing my mind

I’m looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights

things really suck right now
i haven’t figured out why
:/
i think i know why
but i can’t say right now
not here

not again!!!

this always happens when i start listening to old songs

but on the plus side:

DAD MIGHT GET ME A KITTY!!

scoreeee