The Melody of an Ambulance

 i love him

so much

he doesn’t even realize it

because he’s not able to see the forest for the trees

 i would give up those 6 months with him, i’d take it all back

if i could just be with you peacefully

i don’t know how it’s become such a problem

i’m exhausted

and i still have a pile of work to do

shitonme

i don’t think i’ll be able to let go of:

the month i got left behind

the overdose that i survived

the boy who tore my heart into 6,000,000,000 pieces

EDIT: i know him best. you guys don’t know shit about him. stop acting like you do.

One good thing: I get to see Jenelle tomarrow

One bad thing: It might be the last time for a while

One good thing: this new school is much better than my last school

One bad thing: this work is so confusing, i might die

One good thing: my aunt might take me to see koji on the roof sunday, nate included

One bad thing: we don’t know where the fuck this show is being held

One good thing: I love nateeeeeeeeeeee

One bad thing: He’s leaving. For “Narnia”. Real soon.

One good thing: I get to see my biological mom this saturday

One bad thing: this probably won’t happen again for a while

One good thing: Quarter Life is a really good show

One bad thing: It makes me feel worse about my life

after that the rest gets bad and weird. my hearts in all sorts of places lately.
“so you spilled every last penny into your car
and it still won’t take you where you want to go”

i’ll probably go watch a movie and head to bed. later gator.

If I don’t see Koji on the Roof this Friday

I’m jumping infront of a train

Because seriously, last night set such a bad tone for the rest of the week

I don’t know how else to salvage it

Problem is, show starts at 3

So idk wtf I’m gonna do 

I miss so many people right now

Some of them haven’t even gone yet

This isn’t funny anymore

Please just stop

feel free to smash me in the fucking face with a brick

seriously

it felt that bad

I’m suppose to talk about it. I’m suppose to get it out every way possible.
I’ve already wrote it down god knows how many times
But what’s one more?
If it’ll make it go away, I’ll try anything.
Here goes nothing, I suppose.

She stepped out of the house and felt the sticky summer air attach itself to her legs. It was thrilling to be out of the house, out of her box, and especially out of everyone’s reach. They never understood. They never understood a thing about her. They were stifling her. She could just barely breathe.

She continued her victory march out of  the house and down the street towards his car. It was so dark, she could barely make out the shape of his silhouette by the light of the soda machine. He waved at here. She ran to him. They greeted each other politely. She couldn’t help but notice the stalky figure in the driver’s seat.

“Who’s that?”

“Oh just my friend Sam”

She got in the car and they drove away. They drove away from everything that was suffocating her; everything that she’d come to hate.

She noticed a new scent in the car. She looked in the passenger and found him fiddling with something in his lap: clearly a joint. He offered her a drag and she quietly declined.

“No thanks, I don’t smoke. It’s just something I can’t do.”

“Do you drink?”

“Yes”

“We should go get some beer then. Sam, find some place that sells alcohol around here.”

They drove all over town until they stopped at a small bar. She was left in the car, twiddling her thumbs as the two men went inside. She took in every aspect of the car. She noticed the horrible beige color of the seats, the softness of the fabric underneath her, the scent of pot in the air. They came out, he had a six pack in his hand. 

“Now we’ll go pick up Amaranth,” he said.

He picked up his cell phone and dialed her number. Apparently she’d been drinking a vast amount of tequila that night, and after a few moments of conversation Amaranth passed out. They tried to find her house but could not which left them wallowing in their failure in the middle of a McDonalds parking lot.

Now it was just her and two men; two older men with alcohol and weed. She was hesitant, but not scared. Nothing could stop her from having a great time.

They continued their journey towards Walmart. He needed a new dvd player. They walked in, never leaving each other’s side. They made their way to the electronics department. She noticed his strut. She felt important standing next to him, almost royal. It was an honor to stand beside this older man at two in the morning at Walmart. They walked out side by side. Instead of sitting in the front seat, he climbed in the back with her, practically leaving Sam to drive alone.

They continued driving, looking for some place to park and drink. They drove on the quiet backroads of Granville in search of the perfect spot. They drove for hours and found nothing, thus deciding to risk drinking while driving. They rolled the windows down, allowing the rush of air in. Sam blasted Modest Mouse over the stereo. She choked down her beer, it being the first alcoholic beverage in her young life. She could feel her lips tingle and her head get a little bit lighter.

The tension in the car was strong. She noticed him staring at her. She stared in return. She finally leaned in to kiss him. He kissed her back. This shocked her. They continued kissing. He took off her pants and laid her down on the seat. He took off his pants. He proceeded to have sex with her.

“Is this your first time?”

“Yes”

He didn’t even bother to ask if she was okay, or if this was even what she wanted. Too afraid to speak up, she laid there, trying to enjoy it. He fucked her with Mewithoutyou blaring over the stereo, now. He whispered lyrics into her ear. When they were done, or maybe it was just him, they put their clothes back on.

They drove her home. They parked where they met, right infront of the soda machine. They both got out of the car. His exact words were:

“This is our secret, okay? We could both get in a lot of trouble if anybody found out.”

She nodded. He kissed her one last time. She walked home. She entered her house and felt this pile of shame fall on top of her. She changed into her pajamas. She hid the underwear that she wore that night in the dark depths of her closet, hoping to never see them again.

If you grew up with white boys
Who only look at black and puerto rican porno
‘Cause they want something that their dad don’t got
Then you know where you’re at

blahblahblah!!

i’m so stoked for tomarrow

regardless of what happens

i know it’ll be a good day

and if it isn’t

then you can smash my face in with a fuckin’ brick

ps- fuck all other boyz. i love you.

errbody in the club getting tipsy?

maybe tonight

just maybe

I’m smitten :]

I get to show Nate off tomarrow

and I’ll drink and smoke if I want
if I can sneak it in, why not?