The Melody of an Ambulance

something’s missing

something big is missing

i don’t know what it is

so i can’t even begin to try and find it

but i do know something

i feel like drinking all night

because i feel like i’m dying

oh one more thing, i’m listening to Unbelievable by EMF rinow
try it sometime

I want to be 6 again. I’m dying to be 6 again. Josh was around and he hung out with me. He wasn’t worried about me being sad. Jess was in highschool. My peers weren’t fake, we were all as real as could be. I didn’t have a boyfriend who was leaving for college in a few months. My grandma was my very bestfriend. My great grandmother was still alive and happy. The word depression had no meaning to me and I certainly didn’t care about alcohol.

Needless to say, as soon as Josh left tonight, the tears started pouring. I see him maybe once a month anymore and he’s constantly checking on my mood when he does show up, hugging me when I don’t look happy. Jess is graduating from South Hills next fall, and then leaving for Ohio directly after. My classmates fucking suck donkey dick, period. Nate’s deserting me this summer. My grandma and I are practically strangers. Gram Duck is dead and buried, going on 6(?) years now. I see a case worker and a psychiatrist once a week, not to mention my visits to the Meadows. And alcohol just plays a big part in my life right now, all around. 

Things have changed drastically. I’m not happy with the way things are. And I can’t change any of it. I can’t rewind and take back the pills. I can’t bring Gram Duck back from the dead. I won’t keep Jess from living HER dream. I won’t let anybody do that to her. And Josh can’t keep promises worth shit.

spiral spiral spiral spiralinggggg

btw, merry christmas <333

Yeah I know I should be brave
But I’m just too afraid of all this change
And it’s too hard to focus through all this doubt
I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out
 

randi
you didn’t just try to write that story
you did
and thats more than enough for me

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Randi.
Date: Dec 24, 2007 12:17 PM

i could never write a book. i’m thinking of compiling a bunch of short stories one day.

i can TRY to write.
i’m trying.
i hope that’s enough for you.

—————– Original Message —————–
From: nate
Date: Dec 24, 2007 12:15 PM

randi
that was great
that was really really great
i love you
always
see
you can so write

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Randi.
Date: Dec 24, 2007 12:10 PM

One day we’ll grow wings. We won’t need our legs anymore, so we could just cut them off. But we won’t do that. We’ll fly so high that we’ll forget which way is down. We’ll build a house up in the sky out of spare airplane parts. And we’ll live there, happily, for many years, until one day you begin to tickle me. You tickle me and I roll out of our bed, and I roll out of the house and begin falling down, so far down. You fly after me, yelling at me because I won’t use my wings. You can just barely keep up. I can’t use my wings and you keep yelling; begging for me to open them and fly back home. I flail my arms trying to reach you but you’re too far away. There’s a sudden crash and you stop. I’ve hit the ground and fallen into pieces. You sit there for days putting me back together, like all of the kings horses and all of the kings men. After weeks, I’m finally fixed but we quickly realize there’s a piece missing. You search for it as I sit there, tears streaming down my face. Eventually, we decide the Earth has opened up and eaten it and I am to be left with a hole in my body. You decide to take a piece out of your own body to fill my void. I have you with me, always. Always.

We build a new house on stable ground. We stick to our feet from then on and decide it’s best to retire our wings.

We live happily ever after.

mmm<3333 I love Nate. He always brings out the best in me.

It’s Christmas Eve, mom’s baking cookies, bro’s coming over, we’re going to an x-mas party tonight.

yay 

BY NEW YEAR’S EVE, I’LL FORGET A YEAR

I’m the most bipolar person I know. One moment I’m completely hating myself. Another, I’m happy and falling in love every second I think about him. And then another I’m angry at Michael, regretting everything I ever said or did with him. It’s either that or I’m moping around the house because one thing or another.

I’ve got so many people inside me.

I don’t know what to do. The relationship just isn’t healthy in general. For either of us. Nate’s on suicide watch, like it’s his responcibility or something, and I’m just sitting there guessing my next move. And there’s absolutely no trust left, especially after what we both revealed last night. I guess, according to him, there never was any trust on his part. I’m thinking that there might never be trust towards me.

I feel this cataclysmic change coming about. It might not be any time soon. But I feel it. Like the way a dog senses an earthquake minutes before it actually occurs. That’s how I feel it.

I always feel like Richie in that scene in the Royal Tenenbaums. I have Elliott Smith’s ”Needle in the Hay” playing as the soundtrack to my entire life. I feel a constant trickle down my arms. I get so tired sometimes.

I want this to work out so badly. >_<

It’s always so clear, you never really hear,at all..
and i fear, that you wont get better

I just got back from spending the evening with Jodi and Jenelle. We exchanged gifts. They liked theirs and I absolutely loooooved mine. They gave me a headband, ninja bandages, and a Hot Topic gift card. We sat at the OIP for a good while laughing about poop stories. I could sit anywhere with them, just joking around, swapping stories, listening to gewd music. They’re like the sisters I’ve [sort of] lacked. gahhhh<3

 I love my friends, I love spending time with them. 

Pictured below is said headband and a dinosaur Elisabet gave me :]]] <33333333

I was sitting at burgerking the other day with a few friends discussing crushes. I’d ran across an older crush of mine. It seems that I have a tendancy of “crushing” on older men. It kind of grossed my friends out.

Joey defines it all. Joey’s under my skin, he’s in my blood. He’s everywhere he shouldn’t be.

I’m worthless. Honestly. With everything I’ve ever done. What I’ve amounted to is nothing more than your average teenager. No, much less than average. Honestly, the most important thing I’ve ever done was that pavilion. It got me to Texas. And nobody even uses that piece of shit. Then from there everything spiraled away. Everything fell to crap. I fell down a big flight of stairs and now I’m paralyzed. I can’t move. I’m going to be stuck in this shit town forever just like all the other nobodies.

I can’t write. I can’t draw. I can’t do math. I clearly can’t build things. 

 What am I suppose to do with my life?

 I’m here for people like Michael McDermott to walk all over. That’s my purpose.

I can’t keep doing thisssssssss

 you spent everything you had
wanted everything to stop that bad

linelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelineline

when i needed you THE MOST, you skip out

fucking great

You make this place tolerable

You make me believe that I’m meant for something much more than this

I’ve got so many plans in store for us

but I think I’m leaning on you too much

I’m using you as my crutch

And I need to be okay with myself first

And you said it yourself that I shouldn’t need to lean on anyone

That I’ll just end up badly if I do that

 so I’m debating a break.

just to gather myself.

I dont know.

I really don’t want to do it.

So maybe I won’t.